Hey God Are We Done Yet?
Hey God!!! Are we done yet?
This is a question I ask a lot and it’s usually followed up with “Why me? Why this? And why now?”
Am I the only one who feels like God is constantly picking on me? I will barely get through one season and catch my breath just to start another season. Even as I’m writing this I am reminded about the long todo list that’s already overdue and I haven’t even started. As a mom of five sometimes, actually MOST of the time, I can’t get it together. If there was an award for dropping the ball, I would be a multiple year champ!
Jayden my oldest daughter starts college in 9 days (OMG) and we have yet to get her drivers’ license. I really hope the public transportation in Birmingham, Alabama, is good. Then there’s Jese, my second child. She is wanting to leave high-school, finish her senior year at home and start working at Hope City and I’m a bad mom because I’m squashing her dreams (insert eye roll). Jillian, our middle child, is supposed to start a new school in 8 days but we can’t decide if we want to do it or just homeschool because we have a trip and her first school day is interfering with our ministry plans, which sounds really horrible unless you are in ministry and then you get it. Then there’s sweet Jack, my three-year-old. He is starting pre-school and he was so excited until he had to get all of the shots I’ve been putting off… Can you say mom fail? I’m also trying to be a good wife, a good friend and a good pastor’s wife. There’s a lot to juggle and a lot of expectations and I’m not sure how I am doing.
I, of course, know that I am only one person and I know not to sweat the small stuff. I’ve had years of battling insecurities and overcoming them. I really am very comfortable with just being who I am and embracing all of my flaws. I actually really like who I am. But sometimes I let those insecurities and voices in that tell me I’m not good enough. Have you ever thought about where those voices come from? I know I do.
Being a mom is hard, but being a pastor’s wife I can say hands down is harder. I am sure all women deal with the same insecurities. So many of the things I’ve been called to do I don’t feel equipped for and that always brings me back to why this, why now and why me God? I honestly don’t know if I will ever know the answer to those three questions. I’m scared to death of almost everything He has called me too. It honestly consumes me… So, what do I do when I feel consumed? When I am consumed by something I avoid it. I run from it and I hide.
If I can be really vulnerable here, avoiding, running and hiding from my calling is simply avoiding, running and hiding from God. Deep down I know He has called me to greater but that scares me so I avoid Him altogether. MAN DID I JUST SAY THAT?! But it’s true. I have been guilty of hiding behind my husband’s anointing for way too long. Am I a Christian? YES! Do I love Jesus? Of course I do. But it’s easy to say that’s my husbands calling and not mine.
Thankfully I am learning that the most important thing you have as a Christian is your relationship with Christ but unfortunately, for a long time, I admittedly have gotten this part backwards. I run and I hide from the one who is my source for everything because I’m afraid of what He may call me too. When in fact, I owe Him everything. I owe Him my YES and I’ve got to trust Him to have my back. It’s been a journey, y’all! I have been doing ministry for almost 20 years and you would think I would know better by now.
Maybe you are reading this and you don’t understand my struggle and you are killing it at all of the things. If that is you, that is awesome. You are honestly my hero and I need you to keep killing it because you inspire the heck out of me and so many others. However, I’m not sharing this for you, I’m sharing this for the ones who feel like me and I know you’re out there.
So I am saying this to myself and to the ladies who can relate. Stop avoiding that thing, whatever it may be and just get out there and do it. Stop running from the opportunities that God has put before you, we need your voice! Stop running from God – He sees you, He knows your struggle and He loves you anyway. I have always imagined God as the patient father who sees all of the potential in me and He’s just waiting for me to see it. He’s so good that way.
So as I finish writing this we have just finished with Motion Conference in Birmingham, Alabama and can I just say WOW, what a conference. If you haven’t attended, do yourself a favor and go! They bring the best speakers and musicians from around the world to minister to more than 17,000 young people and it’s life-changing. My husband was a speaker this year and I was sitting in the stands cheering him on like I always do as he was delivering a powerful word. He was closing with the story of our marriage separation… Oh, did I forget to mention that we were separated in the first few years of our marriage? Yes, in fact we were separated for 27 months very early in our marriage. God worked a major miracle and through lots of prayer and hard work we are 19 years and counting. So, as he is closing with our miracle story, like he’s done so many times before, I stood up inside of this large arena and I just wept. I couldn’t help myself, I was just so overcome with EVERYTHING God has done for us but especially what He has done for me. The thought of my story being told to 17,000+ kids wrecked me. Hearing my husband say my wife was broken but God, my wife was abused but God, my wife was disregarded but God, our life was destroyed but God… I thought about what hope and comfort that must have brought to at least one teenager who may have been facing similar problems like the ones I faced. That moment made me realize God, it’s my struggles that tell my story. It’s the things that I’m embarrassed about that give me credibility. It’s my weaknesses that make me worth fighting for.
My story gives me the courage to move forward and not quit. So here I am, putting it out there, letting you know it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be frustrated, to miss the mark, to fail and even to doubt yourself. Just don’t doubt the One who made you. He loves you and has proven that even on my worst days, He can turn my pain into purpose and my hurt into healing. You’ve got this girl. You were made for this, now get out there and trust Him with your issues. He can handle it.